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Handy Tips for Everyday Life

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water  down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove  stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so  that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting  paid for it.

Weight  watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat b******.

Save on booze by drinking cold  tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a  hangover by drinking a thimbleful of washing up liquid and banging your head  repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun  of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with  cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before  jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed'  condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it  before you put it on.

Thicken up runny  low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

An  empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the  fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of  steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for  dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special  dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers.  Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your  veins.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

AVOID  parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe'  whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't  know.

Remember these and you'll be set for life!